I am finding myself going back and looking at these childhood phrases and questioning them. We all know the idea. If you don’t listen and you don’t let it sink in, then the words mean nothing—they’re harmless.

But it’s not realistic. Whether you have a friendship or a partnership, words from that person carry weight. The slightest compliment or acknowledgment from them, you’re running on a high. A dig at how you didn’t take out the trash, they do more than you in the house, they bring in more money, what’s your value in the relationship, you’re a grifter (I could go on)…how would you not think about that through your day?

To me the saying doesn’t hold. It’s impossible to think that after a prolonged time together, someone re-writes history to suit them and weaponizes words to cause harm, admits that they’re doing it to cause harm, and the receiving person is just not affected? That math doesn’t math. The power of words is where I am at as I reflect and figure out how to navigate this really deep stack of things I want to share.

This article goes toward the beginning to help you understand who I was, who I became and who I am. There’s a lot to share that I’ve learned about parenting. I was raised with married parents, so co-parenting is new to me, but there is a lot I have learned there and I hope sharing my experiences here could maybe help others.

We need to start somewhere, so here is some history and ways that Words have had a good impact on me, how they moved my perception as a kid and how they can be used positively. As I continue to share, I think it will start to make sense why later in life things suddenly seemed very foreign to me. Each of these stories will come up later as I try to tie together what happened and how I think about things.

I Did It Too

Like all kids, I said things that were intended to be hurtful. I remember the, “oh yeah, well I hate you!” shouting down the stairs. I had no idea how that could be perceived other than I wanted my Mom to know I was mad about whatever the situation was and that that’s all I had to offer was my love. So let me pretend I was taking it away.

I didn’t know the power of words. The broken bones will typically heal. Words however can be used as weapons and are often are burnt in our minds and alter paths physically and emotionally. I know from experience, they certainly can alter your self-confidence. I think anyone reading has experienced that at some point.

It’s important as our kids grow that they learn their word choices are important. They should know that the wrong ones can be used the same as a person would throw a punch. Later in life, you might not like some person. But there is an appropriate way to communicate and navigate that with your words while exercising restraint.

If throwing a punch isn’t a solution, how is word vomiting?

Grandma Clark & Positive Impact of Words

I was heavily influenced by women in my life. Early on, Grandmas were larger than life figures to me. Not by who they were but with what I was told about them and it emphasizes the power of words.

My Grandma Clark in my mind was an icon. Dr. Ruth Clark was the primary bread winner and mother raising 3-kids, one of whom was my mom. She had a doctorate in education and became the first female superintendent of schools in the State I was raised and was a legend in our school system and to almost every teacher that taught me. Everyone knew Dr. Clark.

I felt at a young age that there was a standard to uphold while I was in school because even as an elementary kid, I held HER in such high regard. I needed to live up to her stature and not be the grandkid that behaved poorly or didn’t excel with my school work.

I held her in such regard, not because of my Mom, but because of my Dad. At the youngest age, I knew my Dad…a somewhat towering figure…was intimidated by Dr. Clark. He was impressed and proud of who she was as a woman to her family, intimidated by her level of education, and had even been fearful to ask her to marry her daughter (he asked her Mom, not her Dad). He spoke of her accomplishments even before my Mom could in front of us kids to other people. He elevated her position in my mind with his words, repetitively.

There was this incredible spoken respect of this family member that I got to experience on a regular basis that formed my perception—not just of my grandma, but of women. I was raised in a household of 3-boys, no sisters. From my Dad speaking like this, it altered what I thought and what I thought of women, their capabilities and their power. I always thought, watch out…if she (any woman) wants to harness it, steer clear she will be a force. That perception was built from the words that my Dad chose and that’s had a lasting effect into my adulthood and friendships.

Grandma Fredenburg & Your Own Experiences

My Dad came from a very different blue-collar working class home. His Dad had a hard time in World War II, was passed over for dead multiple times, survived, but certainly had his demons that he worked through for the majority of his life. My Grandma Fredenburg, dealt with the brunt of that, raised 4-kids, helped with a business and maybe had a few demons of her own. My Dad dealt with those as a child and young adult. Highly impressionable, burnt in his mind.

I’m trying to do the math, but I believe I was born when my Grandma Fredenburg was in her late 50s or 60s. I got a very different version of this Grandma. This was fun Grandma.

Grandma Clark was get your shit together because we’re intimidated by her and there is a high bar and the sky is the limit and she is proof and she is a woman and again get your shit together.

Grandma Fredenburg was who stayed at our house when my parents went out of town on vacation. She would put the toilet paper role on the wrong way to bother my Mom when she returned. She was who I got to try out wearing a heel with, who I wore clip on earrings with, who I tried on makeup with. While those were the only times I have done any of those things—no judgement—she was the first person to know and not speak about me being “special”. She meant that as a true gift, a nod toward who gives a fuck—be you—and I am here to support you. She and I connected with a simple look and smile. No words. The smirk said, “I know and it’s okay.”

I think she poured on the love even more because she knew that life could be a hard road ahead for me being gay. She knew before I even knew. That was very special to me and we had a close bond up until she passed at 95.

I had this daily inspirational quote book the size of a post-it note. It was cheesy but I was going through it with Jeff and our split in 2019 and anything helped. On the day she passed it was incredible peaceful, quick and oddly seemed as if she planned it.

The note from that day said:

“Sunsets are proof that even endings can be beautiful.”

My parents and I never really got into the differences of the same person we knew in Grandma Fredenburg. There was only one time as an adult they were bothered or not speaking with her and wanted to vent.

I just simply said, “Your experience with her is different from my experience and that’s okay.” I got a different era. She and I had unspoken words and understanding. I didn’t need their time period and the era they got to affect my perception with this person that I treasure. I didn’t want to be guided to believe something—I wanted to believe what I experienced (we’ll come back to this in co-parenting lessons).

These women were early and major influences on my life. Grandma Clark, on a pedestal—built around the power of words. Grandma Fredenburg, I had my own relationship, understanding, support and unspoken words.

My Point & Where This Is Headed

This backstory hopefully helps you to understand a baseline and you can see how these stories will evolve as you continue to read. I want to you understand where I started, how this came to be and where my reactions and parenting come from.

Words can be dangerous, powerfully uplifting and even unspoken. They can inflict harm, they can create joy, they can create anxiety, and they can create peace. Words can sway opinions. They can be burnt in your mind, positively and negatively, in unforgettable ways.

Children have their own relationships and perceptions. My relationship with you has nothing to do with our child’s relationship—it’s their own experience. The thing I know is that at the end of the day, a Child’s parent is their parent, is their parent, is their parent. When you only know the walls setup around you, that parent is your biggest hero. Let that fairytale live.

The words do hurt and often worse than the sticks and stones. But they hurt more than just me—you just don’t realize it yet.

Read more

A quick snapshot

For anyone who doesn’t know, I have an interesting past. It’s been a life so far that has been quiet, loud, and then loudly quiet.

I met my former partner, Jeff, at some point in the Fall of 2008. I was 23 years-old, he was 38. By January 2009, we were living together. He had a television show on Bravo that was somewhere in the middle of filming and finishing the 3rd Season. It was called Flipping Out.

There was an eruption at the end of that 3rd Season that resulted in a severed business relationship and I was thrust into helping with his business. It was also the housing market crash of 2009 and my own business wasn’t working out. While I was fascinated with the business end of his work, I truly wanted nothing to do with being a part of the television show.

As Season 5 approached, Andy Cohen specifically said that if we don’t have Gage and more of the real life situation that’s going on, there probably isn’t a show. Suddenly, I was filming and on television. If it was important for the business, I would do it.

For anyone who watched—it was clear that I didn’t really want to be there. I looked miserable filming, it showed and I was. Another topic for another day.

Many years later and many television season renewals later, an opportunity surfaced to fill in as a guest host for the newly launched Radio Andy imprint on SiriusXM. The show was Reality Checked with Amy Phillips. Amy was going on maternity leave but my former partner wasn’t sure about doing the show.

I really supported the idea of him trying this media. With any opportunity where you could speak daily about anything you wanted to speak about, there’s some safety in that. If an issue came up, you could talk about it and give your perspective.

This opportunity was that if it worked out. I’m generally an optimist and at this point I believe we had been together for 8-years so I had watched a lot of his behavior. I knew that he was incredible at interviewing and extracting information from people about things they would normally never share. I had never seen anything like it and I knew that he could be good (if not great) on radio.

He showed up to guest host Reality Checked. The show had a format and you needed to follow it while she was away. Amy would report with guests on current Bravo shows. They also had a news section about things that had nothing to do with Bravo and it was typically silly segments.

That morning I had researched a few stories of “news.” In the final minute before, he looked at me and said “I’m not doing that, you are.”

The show went live and “Gage at the News Desk” was born.

First comes television, then comes radio. What could go wrong?

Fast forward

Television ended after 11-seasons and radio really kicked off after a couple of years of time (like I had thought it might). We had a baby. She turned 1. Then she turned 2. He and I made it to 10-years together. And then it ended.

It was abrupt to outsiders, inevitable to me and I’m not totally sure where he landed on the spectrum. It would seem somewhere in between. Nonetheless, there was A LOT of history and I cannot emphasize A LOT enough.

The radio show moved to 3-days per week the week that we split. The news of our break was clickbait like I would have never expected. I think more people read about our breakup than watched the television show. The radio show fed the digital stories, the digital stories fed the show. It grew and then it grew more.

We had to learn to navigate our lives separately while trying to figure out how to co-parent our then 2-year old daughter (who is now almost 10) all while he had a microphone.

Where we are now

Our relationship ended 7-1/2 years ago. In that time, I have tried to rebuild my life personally, financially and in business. What I really thought could happen is that I could eventually get back to a level of autonomy. I really wondered who would care about me in public? I’m just a regular person, I’m raising a daughter. I have a great fiancé, I have now two amazing kids, I have incredible and supportive friends. Let me just fade away and live a normal’ish life.

Unfortunately, it has been the opposite. Anything shared publicly is a one-sided bash session from the radio show. There have been 3-rounds of litigation about custody, all shared on the radio show. My parenting moves, my household and communication about co-parenting—all discussed openly on the radio show.

I think it’s safe to assume that I have been discussed more on radio over the last 7-years than in the 7-years on television. A radio show I’m not even on.

What is next

As I mentioned at the beginning, I have felt throughout my life that silence is golden. That eventually—I don’t know—the truth or something might prevail? That the bully would stop bullying?

I think I’ve been preyed on for that mindset. I think a lot of things have been said by my former partner in the hopes that I simply wouldn’t talk and that this would continue to be a one-sided story. Convenient from his lens.

If anyone is going to write my story, it’s going to be me.

You might find it shocking, you might think it’s eye opening, you might be bored. It might change your opinion, it might confirm what you already think of me.

I always thought when I was on television that as long as I’m authentically me while filming, I could rest easy knowing that however an audience would judge from watching, it was really me.

I haven’t done that in 7-years.

So here we go…